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Published January 27, 2026
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented global move last month, the United Nations passed a law requiring all businesses to take on the medical field’s creed of: Do No Harm. This month, half the global economy shut down, showing the extent of harmful business activity in the world.
Some global corporations closed doors entirely. “For decades, we lobbied aggressively against the law simply because we could,” said Mel Wright, CEO of global tobacco giant Peter Norris. “But, I’m so relieved that it passed. I mean, we knew our products kill people, but existing laws made us keep the business going no matter what. This included doing some pretty terrible things, like designing our in-school smoking prevention programs to actually make kids more likely to start smoking. Now, we are finally free to completely close up shop on a venture that only does harm.”
“Finally, a law to save us from ourselves!” said Kristen Wire, CFO of the All Sugar Soda Company. “Let’s face it, we were legally incentivized to seek only profit for far too long, harms be damned.” When asked what’s next for the company, Ms Wire stated: “We’re first working to shut down our harmful brands and activities. Then, we’ll donate the profits to charities working to reverse the chronic disease epidemic, which – I can finally admit out loud – we helped produce.”
Throughout the business world, advertising, marketing, and PR professionals are excited to turn their talents to promoting non-harmful things. “You know, I’ve always felt cognitive dissonance in using my creative skills to peddle vapes, alcohol, and toxic social media algorithms to kids, and betting apps to poor people. I tried not to think about my job as harmful, but I knew the truth. Now, I can use my expertise to promote the public good,” said Raj Kumar, an advertising consultant in India. “I think I’ll join Big Spinach or the compostable auto industry.”
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